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August 14, 2013

Fall Sports: A Crash-Course for Bored Girlfriends

fall-sports-crash-course-for-bored-girlfriends

Fall is upon us and that means one thing: it’s finally scarf weather! However, if you ask anyone with a Y-chromosome, fall means football season. Now here’s a crazy thought: what if you spent these next few months as a fan and not a football-themed-appetizer-producing Pinterest robot and becoming a bored girlfriend? The task may seem daunting but the rewards are immediate and endless. Trust me, no one has ever been asked on a date because they knew how to pipe white chocolate in the shape of laces on a strawberry.

First things first.
You have to know the rules so here we go; football in 100 words or less.

Ready.

Set.

Go punch yourself in the throat if you truly thought I was going to summarize America’s biggest and most intricate game in a few sentences. That’s like trying to explain the dynamic between Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda in 100 words. It would be a slap in the face to every SATC fan that went before you. If you are serious about learning the rules, look here. You will win more points in a guy’s book for knowing the benefits of switching to a nickel defense against a three wide receiver set than you ever will for being able to walk in 6-inch heels. Fact.

Baby Steps
Don’t feel intimidated. Football isn’t hard to learn. If it was, men wouldn’t watch it. It is, however, very involved. It has taken him a lifetime of ignoring you, his mom, his responsibilities and everything else in life to accumulate his football knowledge. You can’t throw for 5,476 yards (single-season passing yards record set by Drew Brees in 2011) in one pass. Start by learning about your hometown team. Remember newspapers? They are still around and on game days they will have a write-up of everything you need to know.

WOO-Free Zone
The number one reason why men don’t like watching football with us is not because we don’t know the rules; it’s because we are annoying. Save your high-pitched, lady squeals for bachelorette parties or better yet, the inner ring of hell where that sound undoubtedly originated. Take a lesson from West Side Story and be cool (who said musicals and football can’t coexist?). Most importantly, don’t confuse being a cool, normal human with being the drunkest one at the party.

You do not want to be ‘that girl.’ I know you know who I mean. Here’s looking at you, throwing-up-in-your-own-lap-lady.

Your Ace in the Hole
“Rachel, that is a lot to take in. What is the quickest and easiest way to impress these boys?” Great question. I want you to focus on one word: Rookies. You are never going to know more about Peyton Manning than your man. That relationship goes a lot deeper than any quick Wikipedia search. However, everyone is on even footing with rookies. Learn where they graduated from, what they did there (I’m talking bowl games, not majors) and why your team drafted them. Those are the questions that are going to be asked that first game and you are the savvy woman that’s going to answer them!

Parting Advice
Now before I send you off into the world, take a minute and look down. Did you notice your total lack of a penis? If you don’t believe me, look again.  You are not a boy so don’t get too caught up when you are watching the game. If you feel the urge to shotgun a beer and then snort a line of crushed up Doritos, RESIST IT! It will not be funny when you do it.  Remember, he wants to watch a game with his girlfriend, not some scary roided-out frat boy version of you.

Ladies, be social and be informed. I promise you, football games are going to be a lot more fun when you know what is going on. Besides he already suffered through a whole summer of brunch and antique shopping so it’s your turn to pay it forward. Who knows, you might even start to enjoy it.

Lastly, if any questions arise, just ask yourself, “What Would Erin Andrews Do?” and act accordingly.





About the Author

Rachel Fuenzalida
Rachel Fuenzalida loves basically anything you can find on Pinterest including but not limited to sports, photography, baking and sundresses. She hopes that between her dating experiences and those of her roommates, she can answer any of your love-related questions.




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