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August 14, 2013

Decoding Men’s Top Complaints About Women

decode-mens-complaints-about-women

eHarmony recently posted a little guide to men’s top complaints about women (read it here), compiling the most-mentioned complaints from what the author describes as “forums”, which led me to believe that the number one complaint would be “they won’t sleep with me. Also they’re real, not from Japan and have body measurements that could house normally-sized internal organs.” In the interest of getting everyone to their soulmate a little bit quicker, I have taken it upon myself, as a man, to pore through this list and see how accurate the dating expertise over at eHarmony really is.

1. Don’t play coy.
Okay so this is an important distinction. “Playing” coy is great. That’s where I invite you back to my place and you bat your eyes and talk about how early you have to get up and then we go on being cutesy for awhile until eventually we bang or you figure out you can do better. “Being” coy, as in saying “maybe” when I ask you if you’re free on Friday, will drive someone up the wall. Play coy, but don’t be coy.

2. Don’t fixate on what we’re thinking, pay attention to what we’re doing.
Yes, don’t analyze your lover that way, do it this way instead! Keep analyzing until you’ve sorted out all the problems. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOUR LOVER IS DOING EVER. If you think we’re being strange, just say something. Stop searching for clues. It’s not a fucking scavenger hunt. If we won’t tell you and keep acting strange, dump us. How much time do you have to worry about this shit? Life’s too short.

3. Understand and accept our need for alone time.
This is actually pretty much spot on. Sharing every aspect of our lives doesn’t sound that appealing. If that’s a dealbreaker, make sure you let us know early on.

4. Don’t have a complicated list of double standards.
Yeah, file that one under “stop breathing air” and “spend less time turning carbohydrates into energy that powers your body”. Double standards are a part of life. Just choose the right ones. As a general rule, men aren’t the ones suffering from double standards. Any idiot knows that.

5. Don’t ask us to change and then lose respect for us when we do.
Hmm…I’m not gonna lie, you guys. I’m 25 and my last exclusive relationship was last year. This one’s above my pay grade; I wouldn’t even stop doing blow at parties for her. I imagine that this must be frustrating, but I also imagine winning awards in televised award show broadcasts sometimes so, again, I’m unsure about this one.

6. Don’t look at us as projects you can “fix.”
This one’s tricky, too. It really depends on what you’re trying to fix. Trying to fix a serious cocaine habit is God’s work, ladies. Step back. Trying to get us to do laundry more often and be thoughtful towards your off-putting cousin is easily accomplishable through suggestion, lingerie, impromptu sexual encounters….it’s not rocket science and everybody wins.

7. Don’t have sky-high expectations for us that were set by Hollywood.
There’s a saying about pots, kettles and the color black that comes to mind, but I can’t remember it right now because I’m breaking up with a nice girl who doesn’t look quite enough like Alison Brie. Anyway, you lot should be ashamed for how you hold us to unrealistic standards of beauty and behavior.

8. Don’t think too much about the future.
I’ve been going pretty hard on this guy for his crappy list, so I’ll agree here. Enjoy the moment. Whether or not we’ll eventually get married shouldn’t factor into the fun quotient of what we’re doing right now.

9. Don’t use your emotions as weapons.
Hahaha, that’s cute. I use my total lack of emotions as a weapon, so I think this is fair game. But may I recommend sex as a weapon? That’s ONLY cool when women do it, so I’d take advantage if I were you.

10. Don’t be critical.
Alright, who the fuck is this guy? Yeah clearly it would be nice if people were never critical of me. It would also be nice if I never did anything that was worthy of criticism. But because I’m, you know, a human being, that’s not the case. Sack up, bro.

So there you have it, women of the internet. All you need to do to be happy once you’ve found a man is play coy without being coy, think about what he’s doing rather than what he’s thinking, give him ample space, never hold him to a double standard, don’t ask him to change (unless you plan on outwardly showing respect once he has), don’t try to fix him, don’t expect him to act like George Clooney, don’t consider your future together, don’t get emotional in high-stress situations and for the love of Christ, don’t criticize him.

It literally could not be simpler.





About the Author

Abiel Bruhn
Abiel Bruhn is a Los Angeles filmmaker and writer who has become firmly entrenched in his over-confidence. Merely the fact that he has, in a self-written biography, credited himself as a "Los Angeles filmmaker" probably tells you all you need to know.




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