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Dating Advice For Women

June 20, 2013

Is He Cheating?

question-and-answer-is-he-cheating

Dear Most Brave Girl,

Lately I’ve been having suspicions that my boyfriend is cheating on me. A new female friend of his from work is posting sketchy stuff on his Facebook wall and he’s been acting distant and weird. I’m going crazy. Can I look through his phone and computer to see if my suspicions are right?

Sincerely,

Catch Him If I Can

Dear CHIIC,

NO. NONONONONO. If you are at a point in your relationship where you are too uncomfortable or insecure to talk to your boyfriend about your concerns, the relationship is over. Here’s why:

Your Insecurity is Your Own Business
His cyber-presence and correspondence are his business. Those entities should never overlap. You should trust that he’s being faithful to you without having to police his email and Facebook. If you don’t, it’s time to take a good look at the foundation of your relationship. Being deceitful in order to catch your boyfriend in a lie will only prove that you’re both untrustworthy. You can’t expect an act of dishonesty on your part to clear up the dishonesty in your relationship. If your proof is his behavior and not a real incident, why not ask him about it? Maybe something else is bothering him. Work out your trust issues with him directly so that you don’t eliminate the remaining trust that he has in you. Don’t discredit yourself.

There’s No Turning Back
Even if he’s not cheating on you, you’re still a snoop. You technically get to stay together with him because he’s been faithful, but you invaded his privacy and you can’t pretend you didn’t. You can’t be in a relationship if you don’t trust him and respect his boundaries. If you’ve already snooped, why wouldn’t you do it again? Why wouldn’t you go a little further? Where will it end? You deserve to enjoy a sense of trust in your relationship (and so does he). Either get to that place with your current boyfriend or find someone else who makes you feel more at ease.

You’re Not Going to Feel Any Better
I know people who have created fake Facebook profiles with pictures of random hot girls who they make flirt with their own boyfriend to see if he takes the bait. When their boyfriend doesn’t flirt back they are momentarily placated, but then the doubts creep up on them again and they execute another scheme meant to entrap their duplicitous boyfriend. You can’t expect mad scientist tests like this to make you feel better. Your trust level is obviously zero so even when you hopefully find out the good news, your insecurity about your relationship isn’t going away—it will be compounded because you’ll probably feel guilty about snooping. This kind of trouble won’t go away unless you actually have a conversation about your relationship with your boyfriend. More than likely, if you feel this insecure, the best bet for both of you is to break up. People in healthy, loving relationships don’t commit romantic espionage.

In Fact, You’re Going to Feel Much Worse
You already feel so alienated from your boyfriend that you don’t want to approach him directly about this issue. Obviously your relationship is in trouble and it’s not serving you the way a relationship should. Your boyfriend should make you feel supported, appreciated and comforted but instead you’re anxious and alone. If you find out that he’s been cheating, you’re not going to feel any better. You’re going to feel worse. Walk away without compromising your integrity and let him be the only deceitful one of the pair.

Do you have a question about dating, love or the single life? Leave it in the comments and I’ll reply in next week’s Question & Answer!





About the Author

Most Brave Girl
MostBraveGirl is the Executive Editor for Nouveau Dating and Love is Everywhere. She is a search and destroy robot for anyone acting stupid while trying to get laid. Ask for her help if you are one of those people.




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