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Dating Advice For Women

February 25, 2014

The Upside of Having a Male Friend Who Wants to Bang You

upside-of-having-a-male-friend-who-wants-to-bang-you

The part of being a woman that sounds the worst to me (besides the pregnancy, the periods and the systematic institutionalized oppression) is the uncertainty. As men are society’s sexual aggressors, it’s rare that a guy stays up at night wondering if his platonic female friend actually has secret hidden feelings for him that might—you guys, might—be making everything more awkward than it needs to be. And yet this is a concern that plagues every girl-and-now-woman that I have known in my entire life.

I’m what you might call a normal guy. I’m not some swaggering Casanova who has a little black book of women to “freebie bang” whenever existential torment sets in, but I’m also not the kind of guy who goes online and talks about how he’s pretty sure Scarlett Johansson “isn’t that hot” and lost his virginity at 26.

What I’m trying to say is that I am a guy who has female friends. Female friends who it is unlikely I will ever have sex with. I love these female friends for who they are: the humor, the kindness, the thoughtfulness (OH GOD, THE THOUGHTFULNESS), the sense of community and warmth, the confidence that comes from being society’s sexual ideal – my female friends are fucking great, and I have no expectation that any of them would ever lay a finger on me. I’m not that guy railing about the imagined “friendzone” (as though being a close friend with a desirable woman is HELL because of DICKS GUYS). I love the friendzone. I’m setting up shop in the goddamn friendzone. Need a place to crash after a wild night out with the girls when your lips are still moist with the saliva of 2 or 3 Australian ex-pats? Hit me up. Don’t get why guys are so awkward around you? Shit, as long as I can smoke weed, I’ll listen to every theory you’ve got, soul sister.

That being said, I would sleep with literally any of my female friends at the drop of a hat. Hmm. False. I would take a moment to make sure I wasn’t seriously misreading a situation and that everything was completely above board. Then—hat drop.

Most guys I know, when in the safe confines of the no-judgment zone, would say something similar. Because here’s the thing: I also love my female friends for their sleepwear, for the fact that their skin is all smooth and soft and for that moment when you meet them at a bar and their “night look” is pretty much SEX ON A FACE.

But, and this might just be obliviousness at its most pure, I feel like that’s okay. I’m a guy. It’s my goddamn job to lust after things I can’t have. How can I not want to sleep with girls I know and see and smell every day? A girl I know is intelligent and vibrant? I wanna sleep with Katy Perry and I’ve never even met her AND I hate her music and have no real reason to respect her. If there’s one thing I absolutely must have as a free American male, it’s the right to quietly, privately, unassumingly yearn for consensual sex with someone who is unlikely to give it to me. But King George over here (I.E. over-analytical good-looking women) is trying to shut down my freedom to have taxation with representation – in this case, the freedom to tax ass that is represented only in my brain.

So yes, that male friend who occasionally seems to let his eyes linger on you or suddenly shows a surplus of physical affection would probably jump at the opportunity to sleep with you. But unlike you, he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. And most likely, he will go right on with his merry life, not sleeping with you and feeling pretty okay about it, until he finally sorts his shit out and finds someone else who’s game. What’s awkward to you and what’s awkward to him may be very different things. None of this applies to a guy who’s crossing boundaries and actively making you uncomfortable, but why the sam hell would you want someone like that as a friend? As I’m sure the preceding six (Christ, six? Time to wrap it up) paragraphs have shown, there are still good guys out there.

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About the Author

Abiel Bruhn
Abiel Bruhn is a Los Angeles filmmaker and writer who has become firmly entrenched in his over-confidence. Merely the fact that he has, in a self-written biography, credited himself as a "Los Angeles filmmaker" probably tells you all you need to know.




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