Nuvo Dating
Dating Tips & Relationship Advice


January 9, 2014

Commit Without Losing Yourself

Young Couple on Tropical Beach

Sometimes, in an attempt to please our partners, we can lose who we are. We may not be happy with this change in ourselves, but may feel that there is nothing that we can do to change it. We think that we cannot have it both ways; that we can’t completely be ourselves without giving up the commitment and effort that we put into the relationship. We can feel this way for a number of reasons. We may feel that to please our partner we have to reinvent ourselves or censor what we say. We may even feel that the proper commitment to our partner is to always make ourselves available to them. While it is important to commit to our partners and put effort into our relationships, it is also extremely unhealthy to completely lose ourselves or lose control of our lives while doing so.

Know This Is Happening to You

How can you tell if you are starting to lose your sense of who you are? An easy way to tell is to look at your behavior around your partner and compare it to the way you are by yourself or with friends. Sometimes we feel that we have to be the person that our partner wants us to be rather than being the person who we really are. With friends or on our own, we may feel freer to be who we  are because we aren’t worried about trying to please anyone but ourselves. After all, our friends are usually pretty similar to us in behavior anyway. If you feel that you have to hold yourself back to be sure not to upset your partner, you may want to take a look at how to find a better balance.

Remember Who You Are

When we feel that we are living a double life, or changing ourselves around our partner, it can become exhausting. It is very easy to become bothered about losing ourselves within our relationship. In order to find the balance you need to be successful at both, you may need to spend a little time by yourself. Decide to go do something that makes you happy, but you maybe haven’t done in a while, or just spend a day reading the books or watching the television shows that make you happy. Even some simple quiet reflection can get you back to the place that makes you happy. Remember who you are and be comfortable with sharing that with your partner.

Create the Balance

Once you find who you are again, share that with your partner. You don’t necessarily have to have a conversation specifically about it; just include them in your journey. If you like to be silly sometimes, go on a date that allows you to do that. Activities like bowling or laser-tag are fun ways to goof around with each other while still spending the quality time together that your relationship needs. Decide what you want to do, include your partner, and go have fun.

You can love both yourself and your partner, and your two worlds do not have to be separate. Commit to your partner, absolutely, but if you are ever unhappy, take a step back and figure out why you may feel this way. Usually it is because you are trying to be two different people. Be yourself, but be yourself while in a relationship with someone you love and care about. If they love you, they will want to see you enjoying yourself in the relationship as well.


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About the Author

Elizabeth Monsoor
Elizabeth Monsoor is currently working on her Bachelor of Fine Arts in dance at Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle, Washington. While Elizabeth pursues a career in dance, she has rediscovered her love for writing. When she is not in class or at rehearsals, Elizabeth enjoys actively commenting on episodes of reality television and tweeting her observations on relationships several times a day. She has an “eyes wide open” approach to dating, acting as an unofficial advisor and commentator on her friends’ relationships. Elizabeth hopes that her opinions on relationships and her love of sarcasm both entertain and inspire her readers.

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