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October 14, 2013

Still Haven’t Lost Your Virginity?

Anxious woman sat on her bed in the bedroom

If you’re a virgin older than 19 or 20, you might feel a little awkward. Most of your friends probably lost their v-card in high school, leaving you sitting there feeling like the lone prude weirdo of the world. You probably feel even more awkward and isolated when your friends decide to play a drinking game where you have to name your favorite sex position and the craziest places you’ve done it.

“Oh man, I’ve done Reverse Cowgirl under Niagara Falls!”
“Really? Well I’ve done the Butter Churner on top of every pyramid in Giza”

Ouch. Talk about uncomfortable.

When it’s your turn, you feel like yelling skip!, quickly downing the rest of your drink and running for the hills.

Good news: you’re not alone.

Believe it or not, there are lots of older virgins just like you. There’s also a lot of diversity in the community of older-than-usual virgins. Many people choose not to lose their virginity early because they’re waiting till marriage. Others are waiting for that special someone who they love and trust. Those of you remaining might not have had the opportunity to have sex or maybe the opportunities you’ve had always seem to go awry. It might be that you’re just not interested in sex.

Whatever the reason, it’s okay.

Even though virginity past a certain age is stigmatized in American culture, it is crucial that you pay attention to your own values and needs as an individual. If you only pay attention to society’s shoulds and should nots, you will become a chameleon of the culture—changing only with societal norms. In essence, you won’t be happy because you are trying to please others instead of yourself.

Ask yourself this: Will you really be better off if you lose your virginity because you feel pressured to do so? Because you need to be cool? Because you want people to think you’re experienced? Because your partner has “needs to be met” and will break up with you if you don’t meet them?

Notice all those questions involve the outside world and none satisfy what you want, need or value.

If you end up choosing to lose your virginity because of some outside pressure, you’re doing yourself a disservice. You’ll probably regret your decision and wish you could go back and change it. Don’t let your first time set an precedent for times after, ensuring that you’ll always put your needs second. Sure, you know how to have sex to satisfy someone else’s conditions, but you probably won’t know how to use sex to satisfy your own mind, body and soul. And that’s not really the kind of “experienced” that you want to be.

Wait until you’re ready and don’t let other people’s opinions affect your decision. It might be hard being an older virgin, but in the end, your self-esteem, values and happiness will stay intact, and the wait will be well worth it.

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About the Author

Laura Baines
Coincidentally born on Valentine’s Day, Laura has a passion for playing cupid by helping others find love. She has a degree in psychology from CU-Boulder and aspires to earn her masters in counseling.

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